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Are you and your partner having a tough time getting over an argument? Here are some tips to help.
1. Surrender to your responsibility. When you
become aware that you have made a mistake, admit it and apologize. Use
it as an opportunity to learn and grow. You don’t have to be afraid of
punishment or rejection –- apologizing makes it easier to be forgiven.
2. Don’t be afraid to admit you're wrong. This fear comes from a culture of blaming and accusing -- where your early family
or schoolmates may have picked a "culprit" when something went wrong,
and focused on blame, rather than on fixing the problem and healing the
hurt. Don’t approach every situation as if you're on trial, and don’t
compulsively try to convince everyone you're not guilty. Apology and
subsequent forgiveness
is stress-releasing, and healthy for the relationship, which turns out
to be healthy for the participants in the relationship. Relationships
which include healthy apology and forgiveness are less stressful, more supportive, and therefore healthier for the individuals within them.
3. Follow the following pattern for apology:
- Admit your mistake: Speak directly to the person to whom you need to apologize.
- State what you did (so the person knows you’re aware)
- Say you’re sorry
- Do a re-take: Describe what change you’ll make to fix it, and so it won’t happen again
- Say “I hope you can forgive me.”
4. If that doesn’t work, ask the other person what he or
she wants you to apologize for (in case you misunderstood your
mistake).
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It’s
easy to give Jesus priority status when there’s no competition. When we
start dating, however, it’s common for many of us to slowly channel the
energy that we’ve been investing in our relationship with Him into our
newfound love. But Jesus isn’t our relational back-up plan, someone we
put first until someone better comes along. He needs to stay central for
us regardless of whether we’re single, dating, or married.
Relationships flourish when Jesus and His kingdom are the priority of
both people, but falter when they aren’t. When Jesus is our first
priority, our view of love, sex, and relationships is enhanced and
enriched. But when Jesus is relegated to being our second, third, or
fourth priority, our entire view of love, sex, and relationships becomes
distorted. Knowing Jesus intimately is critical if we want to know what
authentic, life-giving expressions of love, sex, and relationships look
like. If we’re not anchoring our heart’s deepest hopes and longings in
Jesus, our romantic relationships will always end up disappointing and
frustrating us. We’ll be placing unrealistic expectations on our
relationship that can only be fulfilled by God.
It’s a wonderful thing to fall in love and find someone with whom we
can share our lives. However, we need to be careful that even good,
healthy dating relationships don’t become stumbling blocks that cause us
to forsake our first love (Revelation 2:4).
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In relationships, just as in every other aspect of life, the spirit and
attitude with which you do things is at least as important as your
actual actions. Embrace and incorporate these powerful values, and you
will start living with more integrity, honesty, compassion and
enthusiasm. This, in turn, will breathe new life into your relationship.
1. Own your own relationship.
You are fully accountable for your relationship. You can never again
believe you're a martyr suffering in your relationship because of an
unworthy partner. Only when you stop seeing yourself as a victim will
you start to see yourself as a fully competent and potent force in your
relationship.
2. Accept the risk of vulnerability.
Do not let fear paralyze your life. Wanting, reaching out and letting
yourself hope makes you vulnerable. At least by putting yourself on the
line, you have the chance of getting what you want, as opposed to
hurting with no chance of getting what you want. Not to venture is to
lose yourself.
3. Accept your partner.
If your partner experiences in you the spirit of acceptance, then it is
most likely that he/she will find you approachable. Two partners who are
moving toward each other, rather than both trying to seek safety from
pain, have a dramatically improved chance of reconciliation.
4. Focus on friendship.
You have to take a step back from the problems and pain of your intimate
interactions, and focus on your partner's positive qualities. Turn back
the clock and recall what it was that started the friendship that
matured into an intimate relationship.
5. Promote your partner's self-esteem.
You must bring the spirit of acceptance into affirmative, interactive
action. Find the courage and creativity to promote and protect your
partner's self-esteem, even when you feel compelled to be critical. By
using the value of self-esteem, you provide a much more nurturing
atmosphere, one your partner will not want to abandon.
6. Aim your frustrations in the right direction.
Work at sorting out the causes of your frustration, and resist the
impulsive temptation to pick at your partner. Once you start seeing that
the negative things you perceive in your partner are often things you
see in yourself, you will literally alter the nature of your
interactions with your partner.
7. Be up front and forthright.
Nothing can be more frustrating than what is referred to as an
incongruent communication, where an individual says one thing yet
indicates something dramatically different with his or her nonverbal
conduct. Strive to express your feelings in a mature and responsible
way. By being honest about your emotions, you base your relationship
upon integrity rather than lies and deception.
8. Make yourself happy instead of right.
Start evaluating the things you do in your relationship based on whether
those thoughts, feelings and actions are working. For example, you
don't have to prove over and over that you know what you're talking
about more than your partner. Instead, choose a different emotion such
as tolerance, understanding or compassion that does not escalate
hostility in your relationship. By deciding to be happy rather than
right, you will be receptive to your partner's attempts to de-escalate
hostility and return to civil interactions.
9. Allow your relationship to transcend turmoil.
Rough times and arguments happen, and one way or another, they are going
to impact the relationship. You must vow to no longer use threats as a
lever to manipulate and control your partner. By doing so, you're
setting a clear limit on the places a spirited discussion with your
partner will not go.
10. Put motion into your emotion.
You must turn the concept of love into a proactive behavior. Don't be so
consumed with negative messages that your expectations are low. You
must require yourself and your relationship to truly be better.
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Your values are what you treasure. It’s what you hold dear.
When your values are not aligned with someone or something, you will
feel discourse and out of sorts. I can’t stress how important it is
to have a list with a detailed description of your values so you can
adjust your love radar connection in the right direction.
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Many people have their love connection radar off and they are choosing the
inappropriate people to date based upon the wrong criteria. When you
adjust your love connection radar through your values, you will make
better choices for yourself and you will recognize a good potential
mate sooner than later.
So how do your values help you with finding that special person?
Here is a 3 Step Motivated to Marry
Dating Secrets System:
- First CLARIFY WHO would be a good match for you.
Once you have a detailed description list of your values written out,
then you have to figure out which ones are your PERSONAL VALUES and
which are your RELATIONSHIP VALUES. Your RELATIONSHIP VALUES need to
be aligned with your life partner and your PERSONAL VALUES need to be supported by your partner.
- Next FOCUS on WHERE to go to find people who share your core RELATIONSHIP VALUES.
You will be able to figure out where you are going to meet people who
share your values? You will find that you will connect with people
because you share similar values. For instance, if you have a value
around giving back to your community, you may find singles’ volunteer
opportunities so you can meet other single people who feel the same
desire. Also, it’s important to express your values in your online
dating profile so you will attract the right people to your profile!
Moreover, you can tell the connectors in your life WHO you are
looking for based upon these RELATIONSHIP VALUES so they can easily
think about who they know to introduce you to that would be a great
match.
- Last, your RELATIONSHIP VALUES will SOLIDIFY your CONNECTION to your romantic partner.
By honoring your CORE RELATIONSHIP values, you have the glue that
will keep you together during the ups and downs of a relationship.
When you share and support one another’s values, you both get one
another and find that you have an appreciative, supportive, respectful
and caring partner. This will give you the best chance for your future
happiness in your romantic love partnership.
By disregarding your RELATIONSHIP VALUES you are missing the
one thing that can make dating easier so you can determine who is a
good fit, as well as, a way to kindly pass on those who don’t share
your core VALUES.
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It’s
common for many people (especially women) to find themselves in an
abusive relationship at some point in their lives. Maybe it’s a
boyfriend who is physically abusive, or a girlfriend who is controlling
and emotionally manipulative. Regardless, I often see the rationalizing
of major dysfunction. Many of us would rather put up with abuse and
dysfunction in our relationships than be alone, so we go to great
lengths to minimize or deny any abusive behaviour.
“Well, she’s not like that all the time.”
“It isn’t really that bad.”
“It’s no big deal. That’s just the way our relationship is.”
No relationship is perfect. Each one has its fault lines and issues,
but there comes a point when a challenging relationship becomes a
destructive one, and when abusive patterns have emerged that line has
been crossed.
Sometimes denial can run deep. If we don’t identify and end the
abusive relationship until it has run its course, we will be heartbroken
and devastated. Or maybe we believe we’re the one sent into this
person’s life to do the saving, to make them a better person, and so we
wear the abuse as a kind of badge of honour. Maybe it brings us some
kind of self-righteous satisfaction that we’re suffering for a greater
purpose and are willing to love someone so “complicated.”
Regardless of your particular situation, if you are involved in an
abusive relationship—whether the abuse is physical, emotional, or
sexual—you need to end it. You know it’s unhealthy, and chances are it’s
negatively impacting every area of your life, including your
relationship with God. You should talk to a friend, parent, or pastor
you trust who can help you transition out of your relationship.
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This piece of advice often comes from one of my high school students
when we brainstorm relationship advice together as a group. All of us go
through a stage where we assume we’re a boyfriend or girlfriend away
from having it all. We believe that if we could find our “true love,”
all the issues that bring us down will fade into the background. We
believe that love, peace, and joy will flood into our lives and give us
our “happily ever after.”
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Falling in love and being in love is awesome, but if we think a
relationship is what will save us from loneliness, low self-esteem, and
purposelessness, we’re just wrong. No matter how good, godly, and
healthy a relationship may be, it cannot fully satisfy the deeper
spiritual hungers within you. To enter into any relationship with the
expectation that it will be the key to a happy life is to place an
idolatrous, unhealthy, and unrealistic expectation on it. This
expectation will only suffocate any potential for the relationship to
grow in a healthy way. We must never ask or assume another person can
provide what only God can.
When we stop looking to a relationship to be
the key that will unlock the potential of our lives, we open up space
for healthy relationships to emerge into what they are meant to be.
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Anger is a poison in our relationship when it is misunderstood and
unleashed. It gets in the way of understanding, connectedness, love, and satisfaction in our relationship. Anger in its explosive or simmering manifestation,
is a sign that something is wrong when it is prevalent. This indicates
that there is pain and dysfunction in the relationship and that
something needs to change.
I do not consider Anger a real emotion. I look at Anger as more of a
temporary (or more permanent for some) state of being. The angry state
is a reaction that covers more sensitive feelings. It is a protection
for our vulnerability. When we feel angry, we actually have other more
vulnerability inducing feelings underneath such as feeling hurt,
insignificant, dismissed, lonely, hopeless, invisible, smothered and
abandoned.
To deal with the anger in our relationship, we first need to start
noticing the anger coming on before we act angry – whether it is
withdrawing or yelling and throwing stuff around. Some tale signs that
we are about to act angry are getting a knot in the stomach, sweating,
feeling our heart beat faster, and getting flushed. Start paying
attention to how the anger feels in your body.
Once you are aware that you are feeling angry and are about to start
acting out your anger, you can take a second to identify what are the
sensitive feelings underneath the anger. It is a bit difficult for some
to identify their more vulnerability inducing feelings.
Choose the sensitive feelings that are related to your anger, don’t
get stuck at the superficial level and identifying other reactionary
feelings (i.e., frustration, exasperation, rage, etc.). If you allow
yourself to go deeper, you will be surprised to discover more tender
feelings.
Now that you know what you are really feeling, you need to identify
what triggered those feelings. This is where your partner plays their
role. Partners are a good source of triggers. They just have it in them
to get under our skin.
In our interactions with our partner, we perceive the situation, we
interpret such situation and we think on it. This is what creates the
anger and the other deeper feelings. The reason for this is that
thoughts create emotions. Think about this. How you think about
something creates how you feel about it.
When you perceive your partner as selfish, self-involved, non-caring,
or like they don’t care or are taking advantage of you or your
situation, you are going to feel angry and upon further exploration
you’ll realize that you are actually feeling unimportant, abandoned,
abused, stepped on, etc.
Being able to recognize how you are thinking about something and
identify the related sensitive feelings is huge. This gives you good
positioning for healing and creating changes in your relationship. One
way to accomplish this is that in knowing how you are looking at
something you can choose to look at it from a different perspective,
which leads to feeling differently. Another way is that by having
identified sensitive feelings you can interpret your needs and work on
getting them met.
This concept works wonders when addressing anger management,
AND other issues, in relationships as both partners can benefit from
better understanding their feelings and triggers. This creates a fertile
ground for making changes and getting needs met.
Say goodbye to the anger and start having your needs met and enjoying the relationship you crave!!
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