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Some of a single person’s darkest days fall after a breakup.
You risked your heart. You shared your life. You bought the gifts, made the memories, and dreamed your dreams together
— and it fell apart. Now, you’re back at square one in the quest for
marriage, and it feels lonelier than square one, and further from the
altar, because of all you’ve spent and lost.
No one begins dating someone hoping to break it off someday. The
wiring in most of us has us longing for the wedding day. We’re looking,
sometimes it feels frantically, for love, for affection and security and
companionship and commitment and intimacy and help. After all, God seems to want most of us to be married (Genesis 2:18; Proverbs 18:22; 1 Corinthians 7:2, 9). But that sure hasn’t made getting married easy.
The Pain of Intimacy Without Matrimony
The reality is that good, Christ-exalting relationships very often
fail before the ceremony, never to be recovered romantically. The pain
cuts deeper and lingers longer than most pain young people have felt in
their lives. I feel it deeply even typing these words. It’s one of the
hardest things for me to write or speak about: the pain of intimacy that
fell short of matrimony.
Breakups in the church are painful and uncomfortable, and many of us
have or will walk this dark and lonely road. So here are nine lessons
for building hope and loving others when Christians end a not-yet
marriage.
1. It’s okay to cry — and you probably should.
Breakups almost always hurt. Maybe you didn’t see it coming, and the
other person suddenly wants out. Maybe you were convinced it needed to
end, but knew how hard it would be to tell them. Maybe you’ve been
together for years. Maybe you love their family and friends. Without the
ceremony and covenant, it’s not a divorce, but it can feel like it.
It feels like divorce for a reason. You weren’t made for this misery.
God engineered romance to express itself in fidelity and loyalty — in
oneness (Genesis 2:24; Matthew 19:9; 1 Corinthians 7:2–13).
Because dating is only a means to marriage, God’s design for our
marriages speaks to his design for our dating relationships. Dating that
dives in too quickly or dumps too carelessly does not reflect God’s
intention.
This doesn’t mean every dating relationship should end in marriage,
but it does mean breakups will hurt. Sorrow in the midst of the severing
is not only appropriate, but good. It’s nothing to hide or be ashamed
of. God created you to enjoy and thrive in love that lasts, like
Christ’s lasting love for his bride. So feel free to feel, and know that
the pain points to something beautiful about your God and his undying
love for you.
And if it doesn’t hurt, it probably should. If you can come in and
out of romance without pain or remorse, something sounds out of sync.
This doesn’t mean you have to be ruined by every breakup, but there
should be a sense that this isn’t right — it’s not how it’s supposed to
be. Hearts weren’t built to be borrowed. God needs to show some of us
the gravity of failed relationships because of what they wrongly suggest
about him and his love for the church.
2. Don’t try again too quickly.
Knowing and embracing God’s design for permanence in marriage and
dating will help us feel appropriately, but it will also help us take
healthy next steps in our pursuit of marriage. One of the worst and most
popular mistakes is moving on to the next one too soon. Especially in
the age of online dating and social media, we really don’t have to work
very hard to find another prospect.
Affection can be an addiction. If you’ve been on dates, held hands,
seen smiles, exchanged notes, experienced the sweetness of another’s
attention and affirmation, you will want more. And the easiest way to
find it is to rebound right away. But if we care about God, our witness,
our ex, and our future significant other, we’ll wait, pray, and date
patiently and carefully. It’s too easy to leave a trail of wounded
people behind in our pursuit of a partner.
It’s a lie to think that you’re not moving toward marriage if you’re
not dating someone right now. Sometimes the best thing you can do for
your future spouse is to not date. If your history looks serial, you
might need to break up with dating for a while. It can be a time to
regroup, grow, and discover a new rhythm for your future relationship.
3. You may have failed, but God didn’t.
The relationship may be over because of a specific character flaw or
failure. There are things about us — weaknesses or patterns of behavior —
that may disqualify us for marriage with a particular person. But it
does not nullify God’s grace to and through you.
Sin in relationships is some of the most visible and painful. As we
let each other further and further into our lives and hearts, the sin is
more likely to show itself and to cut the other person more deeply. In
the right measure, it is the good and proper risk of all Christian
fellowship. As people come closer, and we need this in true Christian
community, our sin inevitably becomes more dangerous. Our mess is more
likely to splash onto others, and theirs on us.
But whoever has done the failing in your breakup, it wasn’t God.
Because of Jesus, his promises never to leave or forsake you are true
every moment and in every relationship status. If you are trusting in
Christ for the forgiveness of your sin and striving to follow him and
his word, God has never abandoned you, and he will never abandon you.
God didn’t take a break from loving you in your breakup — even if you’re
the reason it’s over. His purposes are bigger than your blunders.
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Life is a journey with many roads that lead to many different
outcomes. The choices we make build the story that is our life.
Sometimes you find yourself making the same kinds of choices over and
over again and you feel like you are in a rut. This is because there is
something that you need to learn before you can move on to the next
chapter in your life. Problems will keep repeating themselves until you
can acknowledge them and make the corrections needed to close the door
on them.
Don’t let your past define you.
It is hard to move forward when you have so much attachment to the
past. The past is something that happened and it is a memory that you
will always have no matter if it was a good one or a bad one. Each
person remembers the past in their own way to what is significant to
them. You like all people are on this planet to experience joy and happiness.
It is waiting for you but you have to allow it to find you. It cannot
find you if you carry guilt or regret in your heart. You need to learn
to forgive yourself for any mistakes that you have made in the past.
You have to let go of the guilt and move into the present, into the
now. You must realize that you are standing in the middle of a spider's
web and each strand of that web represents a possible future that you
can have. You must decide how you want your future to be and then chase
that future. You can't change the past nor can you fix it so you need to
leave it in the past.
That means you need to leave all the things that happened to you
growing up in the past too. Those things happened and made you who you
are right now, but that is not who you will be in the future. You can
choose to be happy and have a great life but it means forgiving yourself
and leaving yesterday in the past as a finished chapter in the book of
you.
Once you forgive yourself and move on, then you will be ready to have
great relationships and life will start to become easier. How can you
really love anyone if you are still holding on to an old story? Everyone
else has moved on so it is your time now to say "It's OK, I am ready to
start a new chapter"
You need to live in the now.
You need to start expecting more out of life than what you have right
now. You need to be the person you were meant to be. It is time to take
charge of you and stop accepting life as it is. The first step is to
let go of the past and forgive yourself.
Mistakes are only there so we can learn and grow. They are designed
to create lessons to make us stronger, better, kinder, tougher and more
wonderful than we are today. This is one of the ways we grow. This is
how we move forward.
There is someone out there that is waiting for you.
This person will be the real love of your life, but if you don't
leave your past in the past you may never meet that person or you may
not be able to keep that person in your life. You have to be ready to
meet that person and have an open heart and be willing to give it to
that person. You may think you have already met that person and now they
are gone but I know without a doubt that this person has not come into
your life yet.
Get ready to be that person’s soul mate.
Forgive all those that have let you down or hurt you. Forgive
yourself for hurting the people you have even if they don't forgive you.
You don't need their forgiveness
all you need to do is forgive yourself and leave it in the past. Once
you truly do that you will be ready to start a new chapter in your life.
This is when you will see things turn around for you. This is when your
relationships will become better. This is when happiness will start to grow in you and around you.
This is your mission, your goal, your job.
Do this for yourself and everyone in your life.
Let go of guilt and let happiness in.
Dr. Phil's work with his newest Dr. Phil Family
has taken a critical turn. Although Stacy and Chris have struggled with
infidelity and parenting issues, Dr. Phil is convinced that an attitude
adjustment could work wonders for bringing them to a new level of trust
and commitment. Below is his advice on starting that process.
Healing starts from within.
Part of the problem
in many relationships is that neither partner is willing to take
ownership of their mistakes. Dr. Phil tells Chris and Stacy, "If you're
going to heal a relationship in a family, it starts with you." He
advises the couple to be introspective, and face the personal barriers
that have prevented them from moving their marriage forward. Ask
yourself: How do you contribute to or contaminate your relationship?
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Face your control issues.
Dr. Phil tells Stacy
that she damages her relationship with Chris because she feels the need
to maintain a "death grip" on her marriage. He observed that her control
issues stem from a need to protect herself so that she doesn't get
hurt. "At times, that goes so far as, 'Get them before they get me,'" he
explains. "Trust in others has so much to do with how much confidence
and trust we have in ourselves." Often this includes letting go of the
need for hypervigilance, and getting real about our fears.
Give yourself credit.We've all had to deal with
those negative inner voices that tell us we're not good enough, we'll
never be loved or we're not entitled to happiness. He advised Stacy to
stop doubting herself, and stay plugged into the positive things she has
achieved in her marriage. Despite everything that she's been through in
her life, Dr. Phil tells Stacy, "You need to give yourself credit for
saying, 'I'm still here.'" Silencing those inner demons requires a
change in your perspective.
Understand your history.Many relationships are
sabotaged when a partner brings in emotional baggage from past
disappointments. In Stacy's case, Dr. Phil discovered that some of her
trust issues stemmed from not having had a good relationship with her
mother. "Everybody has a way of being in the world," he tells Stacy.
"Yours is that you don't trust anybody." Recognize that personal
barriers from the past may keep you from plugging in to your
relationship.
Behave your way to success.
"There's a thin line
between 'fake it 'til you make it,' and behaving your way to success,"
Dr. Phil points out. If you want confidence, you have to take on a
confident posture. This can be as simple as putting more confidence in
your walk and in your demeanor. If your issue is trust, put yourself in
situations where you have to behave in a trusting manner. Real change
comes from within.
What's your approach?
Dr. Phil reminds us that
attitude is all about how you approach things in life. He asks, "Are you
being open-minded? Are you considering the things that you may avoid
out of fear?" He urges Stacy to take a different approach to
communicating with her husband. Instead of yelling at her husband or
testing him, Dr. Phil advises Stacy to give herself and her husband
credit for their commitment to making the relationship work.
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Every one of us has an irrational and destructive emotional side to
our personality. This dark side can sabotage your relationship in an
insidious way.
Below are the most common characteristics and how they can impact a relationship.
You're a Scorekeeper Competing
can quickly turn a relationship into an ugly battle of one-upmanship.
How can you possibly be a winner if it is at the expense of making the
person you supposedly love a loser? Solid relationships are built on
sacrifice and caring, not power and control. Competitiveness can drain
the joy, confidence and productivity out of any relationship.
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You're a Faultfinder There
is nothing wrong with constructive criticism if it is designed to
improve the relationship. But it can often give way to constant
faultfinding — in which you obsess over the flaws and imperfections
rather than find value in your partner. Get off your partner's back and
you may see your partner moving toward you.
You Think It's Your Way or the Highway If
you've always got to be right, then you're ready to fight till the end.
No truer words were ever spoken, says Dr. Phil; you will fight to the
end — the end of your relationship. You can't be self-righteous or
obsessed with control and do what's best for the relationship at the
same time.
You Turn Into an Attack DogWhen
you get in an argument, do you have a killer stare, a harsh tone and
hurtful words? Attack dogs may experience short-term gain, but the
target of the abuse becomes filled with bitterness and resentment. While
it's easy to fall into viciousness, it's much harder to repair the
resulting consequences.
You are a Passive WarmongerInstead
of fault-finding or engaging in character assassination, these toxic
partners try to thwart their partner by constantly doing that which they
deny they are doing — in such an indirect way as to escape
accountability if they are confronted. A passive aggressive person is as
much of an overbearing controller as the most aggressive, in-your-face
person you could imagine — only they do it insidiously and
underhandedly.
You Resort to Smoke and MirrorsBecause
you lack the courage to get real about what is driving the pain and
problems in your relationship, you criticize your partner about one
thing when you're really upset about another. What is real never gets
voiced, and what gets voiced is never real. The real issues will
eventually burst forth in a torrid way.
You Will Not ForgiveWhen
you choose to bear anger at your partner, you trap yourself in pain and
agony — and the negative energy can crowd every other feeling out of
your heart. If you wallow in resentment and refuse to forgive and move
on, you will tear up your own life and your relationship. You can't
change the past but you can deal with the resulting feelings and hurt by
truly forgiving.
You Are the Bottomless PitAre
you so needy that you constantly undermine your chances of success? Can
you never get enough satisfaction, love, attention or appreciation?
Your partner will be frustrated by never seeming able to "fill you up."
We all want reassurance, but an insatiable appetite for it never gives
your partner any rest. Free yourself from the internalized sense of
inadequacy, and find other ways to feel your self-worth and value.
You're Too Comfortable If
you're in a comfort zone, you are failing to meet your responsibilities
in the relationship. You aren't contributing, you aren't stimulating,
and you aren't energizing. If you don't make a move, it becomes easier
and easier to stagnate.
You've Given Up
When so many bad spirits
crowd your life, you cannot imagine there being any way out. You become
so forlorn, lonely, isolated, negative, cynical and far from your core
of consciousness that you believe you are trapped. Be strong enough to
confront your problems instead of giving up.
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Are you and your partner having a tough time getting over an argument? Here are some tips to help.
1. Surrender to your responsibility. When you
become aware that you have made a mistake, admit it and apologize. Use
it as an opportunity to learn and grow. You don’t have to be afraid of
punishment or rejection –- apologizing makes it easier to be forgiven.
2. Don’t be afraid to admit you're wrong. This fear comes from a culture of blaming and accusing -- where your early family
or schoolmates may have picked a "culprit" when something went wrong,
and focused on blame, rather than on fixing the problem and healing the
hurt. Don’t approach every situation as if you're on trial, and don’t
compulsively try to convince everyone you're not guilty. Apology and
subsequent forgiveness
is stress-releasing, and healthy for the relationship, which turns out
to be healthy for the participants in the relationship. Relationships
which include healthy apology and forgiveness are less stressful, more supportive, and therefore healthier for the individuals within them.
3. Follow the following pattern for apology:
- Admit your mistake: Speak directly to the person to whom you need to apologize.
- State what you did (so the person knows you’re aware)
- Say you’re sorry
- Do a re-take: Describe what change you’ll make to fix it, and so it won’t happen again
- Say “I hope you can forgive me.”
4. If that doesn’t work, ask the other person what he or
she wants you to apologize for (in case you misunderstood your
mistake).
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It’s
easy to give Jesus priority status when there’s no competition. When we
start dating, however, it’s common for many of us to slowly channel the
energy that we’ve been investing in our relationship with Him into our
newfound love. But Jesus isn’t our relational back-up plan, someone we
put first until someone better comes along. He needs to stay central for
us regardless of whether we’re single, dating, or married.
Relationships flourish when Jesus and His kingdom are the priority of
both people, but falter when they aren’t. When Jesus is our first
priority, our view of love, sex, and relationships is enhanced and
enriched. But when Jesus is relegated to being our second, third, or
fourth priority, our entire view of love, sex, and relationships becomes
distorted. Knowing Jesus intimately is critical if we want to know what
authentic, life-giving expressions of love, sex, and relationships look
like. If we’re not anchoring our heart’s deepest hopes and longings in
Jesus, our romantic relationships will always end up disappointing and
frustrating us. We’ll be placing unrealistic expectations on our
relationship that can only be fulfilled by God.
It’s a wonderful thing to fall in love and find someone with whom we
can share our lives. However, we need to be careful that even good,
healthy dating relationships don’t become stumbling blocks that cause us
to forsake our first love (Revelation 2:4).
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In relationships, just as in every other aspect of life, the spirit and
attitude with which you do things is at least as important as your
actual actions. Embrace and incorporate these powerful values, and you
will start living with more integrity, honesty, compassion and
enthusiasm. This, in turn, will breathe new life into your relationship.
1. Own your own relationship.
You are fully accountable for your relationship. You can never again
believe you're a martyr suffering in your relationship because of an
unworthy partner. Only when you stop seeing yourself as a victim will
you start to see yourself as a fully competent and potent force in your
relationship.
2. Accept the risk of vulnerability.
Do not let fear paralyze your life. Wanting, reaching out and letting
yourself hope makes you vulnerable. At least by putting yourself on the
line, you have the chance of getting what you want, as opposed to
hurting with no chance of getting what you want. Not to venture is to
lose yourself.
3. Accept your partner.
If your partner experiences in you the spirit of acceptance, then it is
most likely that he/she will find you approachable. Two partners who are
moving toward each other, rather than both trying to seek safety from
pain, have a dramatically improved chance of reconciliation.
4. Focus on friendship.
You have to take a step back from the problems and pain of your intimate
interactions, and focus on your partner's positive qualities. Turn back
the clock and recall what it was that started the friendship that
matured into an intimate relationship.
5. Promote your partner's self-esteem.
You must bring the spirit of acceptance into affirmative, interactive
action. Find the courage and creativity to promote and protect your
partner's self-esteem, even when you feel compelled to be critical. By
using the value of self-esteem, you provide a much more nurturing
atmosphere, one your partner will not want to abandon.
6. Aim your frustrations in the right direction.
Work at sorting out the causes of your frustration, and resist the
impulsive temptation to pick at your partner. Once you start seeing that
the negative things you perceive in your partner are often things you
see in yourself, you will literally alter the nature of your
interactions with your partner.
7. Be up front and forthright.
Nothing can be more frustrating than what is referred to as an
incongruent communication, where an individual says one thing yet
indicates something dramatically different with his or her nonverbal
conduct. Strive to express your feelings in a mature and responsible
way. By being honest about your emotions, you base your relationship
upon integrity rather than lies and deception.
8. Make yourself happy instead of right.
Start evaluating the things you do in your relationship based on whether
those thoughts, feelings and actions are working. For example, you
don't have to prove over and over that you know what you're talking
about more than your partner. Instead, choose a different emotion such
as tolerance, understanding or compassion that does not escalate
hostility in your relationship. By deciding to be happy rather than
right, you will be receptive to your partner's attempts to de-escalate
hostility and return to civil interactions.
9. Allow your relationship to transcend turmoil.
Rough times and arguments happen, and one way or another, they are going
to impact the relationship. You must vow to no longer use threats as a
lever to manipulate and control your partner. By doing so, you're
setting a clear limit on the places a spirited discussion with your
partner will not go.
10. Put motion into your emotion.
You must turn the concept of love into a proactive behavior. Don't be so
consumed with negative messages that your expectations are low. You
must require yourself and your relationship to truly be better.
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