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Are you and your partner having a tough time getting over an argument? Here are some tips to help.
1. Surrender to your responsibility. When you
become aware that you have made a mistake, admit it and apologize. Use
it as an opportunity to learn and grow. You don’t have to be afraid of
punishment or rejection –- apologizing makes it easier to be forgiven.
2. Don’t be afraid to admit you're wrong. This fear comes from a culture of blaming and accusing -- where your early family
or schoolmates may have picked a "culprit" when something went wrong,
and focused on blame, rather than on fixing the problem and healing the
hurt. Don’t approach every situation as if you're on trial, and don’t
compulsively try to convince everyone you're not guilty. Apology and
subsequent forgiveness
is stress-releasing, and healthy for the relationship, which turns out
to be healthy for the participants in the relationship. Relationships
which include healthy apology and forgiveness are less stressful, more supportive, and therefore healthier for the individuals within them.
3. Follow the following pattern for apology:
- Admit your mistake: Speak directly to the person to whom you need to apologize.
- State what you did (so the person knows you’re aware)
- Say you’re sorry
- Do a re-take: Describe what change you’ll make to fix it, and so it won’t happen again
- Say “I hope you can forgive me.”
4. If that doesn’t work, ask the other person what he or
she wants you to apologize for (in case you misunderstood your
mistake).
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It’s
easy to give Jesus priority status when there’s no competition. When we
start dating, however, it’s common for many of us to slowly channel the
energy that we’ve been investing in our relationship with Him into our
newfound love. But Jesus isn’t our relational back-up plan, someone we
put first until someone better comes along. He needs to stay central for
us regardless of whether we’re single, dating, or married.
Relationships flourish when Jesus and His kingdom are the priority of
both people, but falter when they aren’t. When Jesus is our first
priority, our view of love, sex, and relationships is enhanced and
enriched. But when Jesus is relegated to being our second, third, or
fourth priority, our entire view of love, sex, and relationships becomes
distorted. Knowing Jesus intimately is critical if we want to know what
authentic, life-giving expressions of love, sex, and relationships look
like. If we’re not anchoring our heart’s deepest hopes and longings in
Jesus, our romantic relationships will always end up disappointing and
frustrating us. We’ll be placing unrealistic expectations on our
relationship that can only be fulfilled by God.
It’s a wonderful thing to fall in love and find someone with whom we
can share our lives. However, we need to be careful that even good,
healthy dating relationships don’t become stumbling blocks that cause us
to forsake our first love (Revelation 2:4).
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In relationships, just as in every other aspect of life, the spirit and
attitude with which you do things is at least as important as your
actual actions. Embrace and incorporate these powerful values, and you
will start living with more integrity, honesty, compassion and
enthusiasm. This, in turn, will breathe new life into your relationship.
1. Own your own relationship.
You are fully accountable for your relationship. You can never again
believe you're a martyr suffering in your relationship because of an
unworthy partner. Only when you stop seeing yourself as a victim will
you start to see yourself as a fully competent and potent force in your
relationship.
2. Accept the risk of vulnerability.
Do not let fear paralyze your life. Wanting, reaching out and letting
yourself hope makes you vulnerable. At least by putting yourself on the
line, you have the chance of getting what you want, as opposed to
hurting with no chance of getting what you want. Not to venture is to
lose yourself.
3. Accept your partner.
If your partner experiences in you the spirit of acceptance, then it is
most likely that he/she will find you approachable. Two partners who are
moving toward each other, rather than both trying to seek safety from
pain, have a dramatically improved chance of reconciliation.
4. Focus on friendship.
You have to take a step back from the problems and pain of your intimate
interactions, and focus on your partner's positive qualities. Turn back
the clock and recall what it was that started the friendship that
matured into an intimate relationship.
5. Promote your partner's self-esteem.
You must bring the spirit of acceptance into affirmative, interactive
action. Find the courage and creativity to promote and protect your
partner's self-esteem, even when you feel compelled to be critical. By
using the value of self-esteem, you provide a much more nurturing
atmosphere, one your partner will not want to abandon.
6. Aim your frustrations in the right direction.
Work at sorting out the causes of your frustration, and resist the
impulsive temptation to pick at your partner. Once you start seeing that
the negative things you perceive in your partner are often things you
see in yourself, you will literally alter the nature of your
interactions with your partner.
7. Be up front and forthright.
Nothing can be more frustrating than what is referred to as an
incongruent communication, where an individual says one thing yet
indicates something dramatically different with his or her nonverbal
conduct. Strive to express your feelings in a mature and responsible
way. By being honest about your emotions, you base your relationship
upon integrity rather than lies and deception.
8. Make yourself happy instead of right.
Start evaluating the things you do in your relationship based on whether
those thoughts, feelings and actions are working. For example, you
don't have to prove over and over that you know what you're talking
about more than your partner. Instead, choose a different emotion such
as tolerance, understanding or compassion that does not escalate
hostility in your relationship. By deciding to be happy rather than
right, you will be receptive to your partner's attempts to de-escalate
hostility and return to civil interactions.
9. Allow your relationship to transcend turmoil.
Rough times and arguments happen, and one way or another, they are going
to impact the relationship. You must vow to no longer use threats as a
lever to manipulate and control your partner. By doing so, you're
setting a clear limit on the places a spirited discussion with your
partner will not go.
10. Put motion into your emotion.
You must turn the concept of love into a proactive behavior. Don't be so
consumed with negative messages that your expectations are low. You
must require yourself and your relationship to truly be better.
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