Wednesday, 27 April 2016

The Pain of A Breakup


Some of a single person’s darkest days fall after a breakup.
You risked your heart. You shared your life. You bought the gifts, made the memories, and dreamed your dreams together — and it fell apart. Now, you’re back at square one in the quest for marriage, and it feels lonelier than square one, and further from the altar, because of all you’ve spent and lost.
No one begins dating someone hoping to break it off someday. The wiring in most of us has us longing for the wedding day. We’re looking, sometimes it feels frantically, for love, for affection and security and companionship and commitment and intimacy and help. After all, God seems to want most of us to be married (Genesis 2:18; Proverbs 18:22; 1 Corinthians 7:2, 9). But that sure hasn’t made getting married easy.

The Pain of Intimacy Without Matrimony

The reality is that good, Christ-exalting relationships very often fail before the ceremony, never to be recovered romantically. The pain cuts deeper and lingers longer than most pain young people have felt in their lives. I feel it deeply even typing these words. It’s one of the hardest things for me to write or speak about: the pain of intimacy that fell short of matrimony.
Breakups in the church are painful and uncomfortable, and many of us have or will walk this dark and lonely road. So here are nine lessons for building hope and loving others when Christians end a not-yet marriage.

1. It’s okay to cry — and you probably should.

Breakups almost always hurt. Maybe you didn’t see it coming, and the other person suddenly wants out. Maybe you were convinced it needed to end, but knew how hard it would be to tell them. Maybe you’ve been together for years. Maybe you love their family and friends. Without the ceremony and covenant, it’s not a divorce, but it can feel like it.
It feels like divorce for a reason. You weren’t made for this misery. God engineered romance to express itself in fidelity and loyalty — in oneness (Genesis 2:24; Matthew 19:9; 1 Corinthians 7:2–13). Because dating is only a means to marriage, God’s design for our marriages speaks to his design for our dating relationships. Dating that dives in too quickly or dumps too carelessly does not reflect God’s intention.
This doesn’t mean every dating relationship should end in marriage, but it does mean breakups will hurt. Sorrow in the midst of the severing is not only appropriate, but good. It’s nothing to hide or be ashamed of. God created you to enjoy and thrive in love that lasts, like Christ’s lasting love for his bride. So feel free to feel, and know that the pain points to something beautiful about your God and his undying love for you.
And if it doesn’t hurt, it probably should. If you can come in and out of romance without pain or remorse, something sounds out of sync. This doesn’t mean you have to be ruined by every breakup, but there should be a sense that this isn’t right — it’s not how it’s supposed to be. Hearts weren’t built to be borrowed. God needs to show some of us the gravity of failed relationships because of what they wrongly suggest about him and his love for the church.

2. Don’t try again too quickly.

Knowing and embracing God’s design for permanence in marriage and dating will help us feel appropriately, but it will also help us take healthy next steps in our pursuit of marriage. One of the worst and most popular mistakes is moving on to the next one too soon. Especially in the age of online dating and social media, we really don’t have to work very hard to find another prospect.
Affection can be an addiction. If you’ve been on dates, held hands, seen smiles, exchanged notes, experienced the sweetness of another’s attention and affirmation, you will want more. And the easiest way to find it is to rebound right away. But if we care about God, our witness, our ex, and our future significant other, we’ll wait, pray, and date patiently and carefully. It’s too easy to leave a trail of wounded people behind in our pursuit of a partner.
It’s a lie to think that you’re not moving toward marriage if you’re not dating someone right now. Sometimes the best thing you can do for your future spouse is to not date. If your history looks serial, you might need to break up with dating for a while. It can be a time to regroup, grow, and discover a new rhythm for your future relationship.

3. You may have failed, but God didn’t.

The relationship may be over because of a specific character flaw or failure. There are things about us — weaknesses or patterns of behavior — that may disqualify us for marriage with a particular person. But it does not nullify God’s grace to and through you.
Sin in relationships is some of the most visible and painful. As we let each other further and further into our lives and hearts, the sin is more likely to show itself and to cut the other person more deeply. In the right measure, it is the good and proper risk of all Christian fellowship. As people come closer, and we need this in true Christian community, our sin inevitably becomes more dangerous. Our mess is more likely to splash onto others, and theirs on us.
But whoever has done the failing in your breakup, it wasn’t God. Because of Jesus, his promises never to leave or forsake you are true every moment and in every relationship status. If you are trusting in Christ for the forgiveness of your sin and striving to follow him and his word, God has never abandoned you, and he will never abandon you. God didn’t take a break from loving you in your breakup — even if you’re the reason it’s over. His purposes are bigger than your blunders.


Tuesday, 5 April 2016

Don't Let the Past Define You. Learn to let Go


Life is a journey with many roads that lead to many different outcomes. The choices we make build the story that is our life. Sometimes you find yourself making the same kinds of choices over and over again and you feel like you are in a rut. This is because there is something that you need to learn before you can move on to the next chapter in your life. Problems will keep repeating themselves until you can acknowledge them and make the corrections needed to close the door on them.

Don’t let your past define you.
It is hard to move forward when you have so much attachment to the past. The past is something that happened and it is a memory that you will always have no matter if it was a good one or a bad one. Each person remembers the past in their own way to what is significant to them. You like all people are on this planet to experience joy and happiness. It is waiting for you but you have to allow it to find you. It cannot find you if you carry guilt or regret in your heart. You need to learn to forgive yourself for any mistakes that you have made in the past.
You have to let go of the guilt and move into the present, into the now. You must realize that you are standing in the middle of a spider's web and each strand of that web represents a possible future that you can have. You must decide how you want your future to be and then chase that future. You can't change the past nor can you fix it so you need to leave it in the past.
That means you need to leave all the things that happened to you growing up in the past too. Those things happened and made you who you are right now, but that is not who you will be in the future. You can choose to be happy and have a great life but it means forgiving yourself and leaving yesterday in the past as a finished chapter in the book of you.
Once you forgive yourself and move on, then you will be ready to have great relationships and life will start to become easier. How can you really love anyone if you are still holding on to an old story? Everyone else has moved on so it is your time now to say "It's OK, I am ready to start a new chapter"

You need to live in the now.
You need to start expecting more out of life than what you have right now. You need to be the person you were meant to be. It is time to take charge of you and stop accepting life as it is. The first step is to let go of the past and forgive yourself.
Mistakes are only there so we can learn and grow. They are designed to create lessons to make us stronger, better, kinder, tougher and more wonderful than we are today. This is one of the ways we grow. This is how we move forward.
There is someone out there that is waiting for you.
This person will be the real love of your life, but if you don't leave your past in the past you may never meet that person or you may not be able to keep that person in your life. You have to be ready to meet that person and have an open heart and be willing to give it to that person. You may think you have already met that person and now they are gone but I know without a doubt that this person has not come into your life yet.

Get ready to be that person’s soul mate.
Forgive all those that have let you down or hurt you. Forgive yourself for hurting the people you have even if they don't forgive you. You don't need their forgiveness all you need to do is forgive yourself and leave it in the past. Once you truly do that you will be ready to start a new chapter in your life. This is when you will see things turn around for you. This is when your relationships will become better. This is when happiness will start to grow in you and around you.
This is your mission, your goal, your job.
Do this for yourself and everyone in your life.

Let go of guilt and let happiness in.