CLICK HERE FOR CHRISTIAN DATING
Many couples operate under the assumption that being in a
relationship means to be bossed around, told what to do, and to loose
their personal freedom and choices. I have heard references to young
couples getting engaged as “he bit the bullet” and other similar
I’m sure you have heard before couples complain about how their
partner wants to change and control them and references to partners
being “trained,” “whipped,” “on a short leash,” etc. All these really
set up the stage to struggle in one’s relationship.
After the “infatuation” stage, the honeymoon period, is over and the
“power struggle” sets in (the second stage of relationships), we get
stuck in our perspectives and have repeating arguments and conflicts. We
try to resolve and address this by wanting and trying to change our
When we address our relationship thinking that we have to change our
partner so that we get along better, so we’d like our partner better and
to get our needs met we are setting ourselves up for dissatisfaction.
Partners CANNOT be changed. Yes, you read that right. They cannot be
changed. Please, read that again: They cannot be changed. I can’t
emphasize this enough. I come across this concept probably more so that
the average person in my I work with couples and creating changes. It is
very frustrating to watch couples beat each other up with hurtful words
and actions because each partner is entrenched in their views and
stance and they want to change their partner.
Why would you want to change your partner anyway? If they changed
they would no longer be the person you fell in love with… Personality
and people’s core are very difficult, if not impossible to change. What
we really want to change is the partners’ behaviors and their reactions
toward each other. These are changeable.
But, the catch here is that the partners cannot change each other.
Whenever you see couples with partners who supposedly changed their
partner what you are actually seeing is dynamics with baggage at work.
The partners are actually not really satisfied in their relationship.
Take a closer look.
If the couple looks very different from how they were and appear to
be getting along nicely – then the partners have both mutually worked at
changing themselves within the relationship. They have compromised and
resolved issues. One did not change the other…
So, the point is you cannot change your partner and your partner
can’t change who they are, but both your behaviors and reactions can be
changed. AND, each partner is responsible for owning up to their own
thoughts, feelings, and behaviors and the changes made in them. Stop
trying to change your partner – it doesn’t work. Only they can change
their behaviors and reactions.
Another very common and frustrating mistake partners make, is that
once partners understand this concept they now wait for their partner to
change their behavior. And they wait. And they wait. And the will continue to wait forever…
CLICK HERE FOR CHRISTIAN DATING
Change in relationships happen when one partner owns up to their
stuff and create their OWN changes. If both partners are doing this,
then change in the relationship is imminent. If both partners are not
working together as allies yet, the trick is to take ownership and
change oneself, take the initiative – the other will have no choice but
to change in response. This is the only way that you can actually change
your partner – inviting them to change… Remember – It Takes Two To