Managing Anger in Your Relationship

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Anger is a poison in our relationship when it is misunderstood and unleashed. It gets in the way of understanding, connectedness, love, and satisfaction in our relationship. Anger in its explosive or simmering manifestation, is a sign that something is wrong when it is prevalent. This indicates that there is pain and dysfunction in the relationship and that something needs to change.

I do not consider Anger a real emotion. I look at Anger as more of a temporary (or more permanent for some) state of being. The angry state is a reaction that covers more sensitive feelings. It is a protection for our vulnerability. When we feel angry, we actually have other more vulnerability inducing feelings underneath such as feeling hurt, insignificant, dismissed, lonely, hopeless, invisible, smothered and abandoned.

To deal with the anger in our relationship, we first need to start noticing the anger coming on before we act angry – whether it is withdrawing or yelling and throwing stuff around. Some tale signs that we are about to act angry are getting a knot in the stomach, sweating, feeling our heart beat faster, and getting flushed. Start paying attention to how the anger feels in your body.
Once you are aware that you are feeling angry and are about to start acting out your anger, you can take a second to identify what are the sensitive feelings underneath the anger. It is a bit difficult for some to identify their more vulnerability inducing feelings. 

Choose the sensitive feelings that are related to your anger, don’t get stuck at the superficial level and identifying other reactionary feelings (i.e., frustration, exasperation, rage, etc.). If you allow yourself to go deeper, you will be surprised to discover more tender feelings.
Now that you know what you are really feeling, you need to identify what triggered those feelings. This is where your partner plays their role. Partners are a good source of triggers. They just have it in them to get under our skin.

In our interactions with our partner, we perceive the situation, we interpret such situation and we think on it. This is what creates the anger and the other deeper feelings. The reason for this is that thoughts create emotions. Think about this. How you think about something creates how you feel about it.
When you perceive your partner as selfish, self-involved, non-caring, or like they don’t care or are taking advantage of you or your situation, you are going to feel angry and upon further exploration you’ll realize that you are actually feeling unimportant, abandoned, abused, stepped on, etc.

Being able to recognize how you are thinking about something and identify the related sensitive feelings is huge. This gives you good positioning for healing and creating changes in your relationship. One way to accomplish this is that in knowing how you are looking at something you can choose to look at it from a different perspective, which leads to feeling differently. Another way is that by having identified sensitive feelings you can interpret your needs and work on getting them met. 

This concept works wonders when addressing anger management, AND other issues, in relationships as both partners can benefit from better understanding their feelings and triggers. This creates a fertile ground for making changes and getting needs met.
Say goodbye to the anger and start having your needs met and enjoying the relationship you crave!!

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Learn to Forgive Yourself and Be Happier

If we truly want to live a happier life, we must dig deep and learn to forgive. Forgiveness is the most precious treasure that we can give ourselves and each other.
When we are willing to take responsibility for forgiveness, we are guaranteed a life of peace, gratitude, wisdom, expansion and growth.
If not, we are destined to a life of blame, resentment, pain, self pity, guilt and anger.

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To be truly happy, forgiveness begins with our self first. Each time we beat ourselves up for the past, for mistakes or bad choices that we have made, we stay trapped in a shell of toxic shame and self–abuse.
Somehow we think that we deserve this. Maybe we were told that we were bad as a child by a parent or a teacher and part of us believes this. We believe that punishing ourselves will make us a better person or a more humble person.
But this lie will never make us a better person. It will only keep us prisoner to the shame that we continue to carry. Whether in the privacy of our own minds or out loud for all to hear, each time that we criticize ourselves for our own faults and mistakes, we are participating in our own self-abuse. We are telling ourselves that we are bad. We, in fact, become our worst enemies.
If what we desire is a love filled life, we must learn to love ourselves first. That can only happen with forgiveness.

“Although forgiveness often looks like a generous gift we are giving to someone else, it is ultimately an act of self-love and a gift we give to ourselves.”

Our resentments hold onto us like a ball and chain, keeping us prisoner to our anger and to the person that we are so angry toward. We think that we will show them by continuing to make them suffer. But we are the ones who are truly suffering!
We continue to try and prove that we are right and ‘they’ are wrong.
Our righteous attitude keeps us locked up in our own misery.
We find a sick kind of comfort in this.
Our freedom begins with taking full responsibility for our part and…
… letting go of blaming others.
The power of forgiveness does not require that we agree with, condone or tolerate abuse or bad behavior. We forgive the sinner, not the sin.
By forgiving, we set ourselves free to create and receive so much more.
By forgiving others, we do not become doormats for them to wipe their feet upon. It is important that we create and set strong boundaries for those who would continue to try to take advantage of us.
True forgiveness allows us to stop being victims and helps us to step into our power and authority so that we will not make the same mistakes again.

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Do You Know How To Apologise After a Disagreement?

There Are Four Steps. Are You Doing All Of Them?

Are you and your partner having a tough time getting over an argument? Here are some tips to help.

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 1. Surrender to your responsibility.
When you become aware that you have made a mistake, admit it and apologize. Use it as an opportunity to learn and grow. You don’t have to be afraid of punishment or rejection –- apologizing makes it easier to be forgiven.

2. Don’t be afraid to admit you're wrong.
This fear comes from a culture of blaming and accusing -- where your early family or schoolmates may have picked a "culprit" when something went wrong, and focused on blame, rather than on fixing the problem and healing the hurt. Don’t approach every situation as if you're on trial, and don’t compulsively try to convince everyone you're not guilty. Apology and subsequent forgiveness is stress-releasing, and healthy for the relationship, which turns out to be healthy for the participants in the relationship. Relationships which include healthy apology and forgiveness are less stressful, more supportive, and therefore healthier for the individuals within them. 

3. Follow the following pattern for apology:
Admit your mistake: Speak directly to the person to whom you need to apologize.
State what you did (so the person knows you’re aware)
Say you’re sorry
Do a re-take: Describe what change you’ll make to fix it, and so it won’t happen again
Say “I hope you can forgive me.”

4. If that doesn’t work, ask the other person what he or she wants you to apologize for (in case you misunderstood your mistake).

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If You Want Your Relationship to Flourish - Keep Jesus As The Cornerstone

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Making any Christian relationship work is more difficult than getting into one. It requires a considerable amount of effort for both the companions. It’s more like a roller coaster ride where a brief part is smooth, while the rest is exciting and thrilling, but there’s always a small part that’s scary and bumpy. In situations where the problem gets aggravated, you must try to sort out the matter yourselves, or, if required, seek out reliable Christian relationship advice.

Listed below are a few pointers offering Christian relationship advice which might benefit Christian couples:

1.     Jesus should be your First Priority

Relationships where Jesus is given priority tend to flourish, while those which don’t tend to fail. It is common for people to prioritize Jesus when they are single; however, as soon as they get into a relationship, the top place goes to the new found love. What you need to understand is that Jesus is not your relationship backup plan which is given priority until someone better comes along. If you want your relationship to flourish, you need to build it with Jesus as the cornerstone.

2.     Don’t justify an abusive relationship

It is very common for people to rationalize abusive relationships by using phrases like:

• “Well, she’s not like that all the time.”
• “It’s no big deal. That’s just the way our relationship is.”
• “It isn’t really that bad.”

This is more common among women, however, in certain relationships, men also put up with such problems. There are many relationships where the girlfriend is emotionally manipulative and controlling or where the boyfriend is physically abusive. Instead of confronting these problems in order to remedy them, people seek to justify them out of fear of being alone. This is why people go to extreme lengths to deny the existence of abusive behaviour in their relationships.

No relationship is perfect – each has its problems and issues. However, there is fine line between a challenging relationship and one which is destructive. When a relationship starts getting abusive, that line is crossed. As a result, one should understand when to work on the relationship and when to stop.

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Dealing With Rejection

 Dating can be a scary process, and the potential rejection that sometimes accompanies it is many people’s greatest fear come to life. It can be painful to be turned down by someone, especially when you get your hopes up. However, any suffering caused by dismissal can be avoided; all you need to do is change your own mindset.

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1: Don’t Take Things Too Personally
One of the biggest mistakes that you can make when dealing with rejection is to take the entire situation personally. Don’t let yourself think “He/She rejected me because I’m not good enough”; remember, there are countless other reasons why an invitation could be turned down, and many of them are quite reasonable and innocent.
Try to think about it from the other person’s perspective; they may have a lot going on, and your particular request or engagement might not rank as highly to them as it does to you. This isn’t necessarily a good or bad thing, just the way of the world. Not everybody will prioritize things the same way that you do, and often this asymmetry will lead to rejection. Keep that in mind, and try not to treat any dismissal as a personal wound.


2: Treat Every Experience Independently
A big mistake to avoid is to overgeneralize an experience when faced with rejection. Remember that all situations are different, especially when dealing with unique people. That means that different outcomes are likely; a declination with one person could easily result in acceptance by another without any other variables being changed.
It’s completely foolish to allow any kind of rejection to discourage you from making any future attempts of the same nature. One bad experience doesn’t determine the outcome of the rest of your life, so don’t give any particular dismissal too much credence. 

3: Look at Rejection Realistically 
Being turned down doesn’t directly harm you in any way; in reality you’re only lamenting over what could have been. Feeling bad over potential is one of the most foolish things that you can do, simply because potential is created and destroyed en masse each day. In that sense rejection is just the closure of an opportunity, and that isn’t a very significant loss when compared the countless opportunities that we ignore each day in lieu of more preferential choices.
At its core, a dismissal is simply the word ‘NO’ packaged up to make it seem more important. It’s like a really big, fancily gift wrapped box with a very small, unimpressive response inside. Are you really going to let a tiny two letter word determine how you feel?

4: Don’t Put the other Person on a Pedestal
Another reason behind the considerable pain of rejection is the fact that many of us hold the other party in a particularly high status. We “get our hopes up” so to speak, and this only makes rejection hurt even more when it does happen.
The fix for this is to avoid putting all of your psychological eggs in one basket. Dismissal is going to happen; that’s just a fact of life. Trying to avoid it won’t make it go away, but it is possible to handle your affairs in such a way that you don’t get crushed when rejection does rear its ugly head.

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Dating Tips for Christian Singles

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1. Don’t Date Just To Date

Although dating can be seen as harmless and fun, dating for the sake of dating can really screw with someone’s head. Not only is it unfair to the individuals you are seeing, but it’s also unfair to yourself. Don’t purposely put yourself into situations that will only mess with your emotions. There is a maturity and responsibility that comes along with the action of dating, and if your only reason for dating is “just because,” I would really encourage you to take a step back and not move forward in your pursuit. The motives of your heart play a big role in your dating life and will continue to play a role in any future relationship. Evaluate your motives.

2. You’re Allowed To Have High Standards

Your standards need to be somewhat obtainable, but don’t let anyone tell you that your standards are too high. The reality is that you’re looking for the person you are going to spend the rest of your life with, so inevitably you have every right to be as picky as you want to be. Don’t settle for something mediocre when God has something exceptional for you.

3. Purity Paves The Way To Intimacy 

I’m not gonna go ultra-conservative on you and claim sex before marriage leads to death, but I will say the wait is worth it. Not only does purity show a sense of respect and honor to one another, but it will also show the depth in which your relationship with God stands. God intended sex to be for marriage, and as a follower of Christ it’s our duty to protect this sacred gift. The world around us has turned sexual activity into a recreational sport, when in fact God intended it to be a spiritual joining of two people. Don’t let the world poison your view on sex. God intended it for more.

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4. Prayer Is The Key

This tip speaks for itself. And although it might be a no-brainer to most of you, you’d be surprised to know how many people leave prayer and fasting out of their dating lives. When it comes to Christian dating, any relationship that hasn’t been prayerfully considered is a relationship I’d re-consider. I’m not saying you can’t find a wonderful person without praying, but why would you want to ignore the opportunity to seek wisdom and guidance from the creator of the universe? Don’t make sense to me. Spend time in conversation with God, and allow him to guide you towards someone he sees fit. There is no such thing as a prayer-less Godly relationship.

The Effect on Your Life with the Power of Love

The Power of Love!

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1.  Contrary to many beliefs, love is a choice, not a feeling. That is why so many personal relationships break down; when the feelings leave, so does love and so does the partner! When love is a choice, that doesn't have to happen.

2.  When we are acting in a mindset of love, we find the best in ourselves and in others. And we are more tolerant.

3.  What about you? Would others call you a caring or loving individual? Are business and personal interactions with you enjoyable or difficult?

4.  What can you do to conduct yourself better in behaviors like patience, kindness, giving, and caring for others before yourself?

5.  Think of an example where you and another person wanted to do different activities and you did not defer; you insisted on doing what you wanted. Next time, do what someone else wants to do, even though it’s not your choice or preference.

6.  Love perseveres and does not give up. It gives when others quit. That might mean doing homework with your kids when you are tired, listening to your partner when you are in the middle of something else, supporting your friend through a difficult time even though that requires you to give up your favorite activity, and so on. Think of a couple of possibilities where you can embrace that kind of persevering love.

7.  Loving yourself is part of this process. When you don’t have high self-worth, it is difficult to love others.

8.  No one is perfect. When you act without love, acknowledge it, let go of any guilt, and move back to love as quickly as possible.

9.  Love in its purest form can never be destroyed or taken away from you because it is in your heart and mind. That in itself is a powerful revelation, your love can never be taken away from you. Your love will not always be received or accepted as you would like, but your love does not stop because someone rejected you. Only you can turn off that mindset.

10.  Imagine a place where most people have a mindset of caring and love. That is a pretty exciting and powerful place. I experienced it when the Winter Olympics were hosted in Vancouver, BC. Thousands of individuals were in a mindset of celebration, caring, and love. I can’t describe it. You had to be there but, believe me, it was amazing!

11.  I encourage each of you to step up and play and live in love more than you have before. If you do, we all will be better for it!

 As a society, we can be quick to judge those who are different than we are. We may demonstrate intolerance.  We should accept everyone at face value or even admire their behavior, but we can approach them with a mindset of love. That will get us further and in a more enjoyable manner than a negative attitude will.

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How To Leave Your Conflicts Behind In Order To Move Forward

 
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Conflicts sometime arise when two or more people are in a relationship, those that are the most successful in keeping relations are those that don't get stuck in a conflict and know how to let go and move forward. 

Conflicts can arise from a difference of opinion, from anger or from life circumstances, in all cases, it is important to have consideration for the others, after all, we can't judge the others unless we have walked in their shoes. Let's not forget that it is easy to get mad at someone else for their actions, but if we are partial in our judgment we realize that sometime we are the ones who wear the black hat, would it be for a year, a day or a second and when this happens, don't we all want to be forgive and move on?

Why letting go is important? The main reason, is the risk of getting stuck in an unproductive situation, even worst, in a destructive one. Precious energy that can be used for other things can be wasted into conflicts for years. It is wise to go sleep on something and take a decision in the morning rather than make a call out of anger. Building relations required compromises from both sides, a good way to do so is by having a common goal that is more important than our own little problems. Let's say that you are to work with someone that get on your nerve, even though you do not like this person, you know that once the work is completed you will get a million bucks, would you let your personal interests get in the way or let it go in order to complete the project? Great people know the answer for this.

We can say that the art of leaving conflicts behind is the art of moving forward in life, anyone who know how to walk from one place to another, know that conflicts come in every steps and there is no need to get stuck there. Rising above conflicts is a big part for accomplishment, this required patience, self annulment, and consideration for the other, which are the traits of a great man. In order to built something good and new, we have to know how to deal with unpleasant situations that come along the way, accordingly, the art of living conflicts behind in order to move forward is a must for any builder.


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