Dr. Phil's work with his newest Dr. Phil Family
has taken a critical turn. Although Stacy and Chris have struggled with
infidelity and parenting issues, Dr. Phil is convinced that an attitude
adjustment could work wonders for bringing them to a new level of trust
and commitment. Below is his advice on starting that process.
Healing starts from within.
Part of the problem
in many relationships is that neither partner is willing to take
ownership of their mistakes. Dr. Phil tells Chris and Stacy, "If you're
going to heal a relationship in a family, it starts with you." He
advises the couple to be introspective, and face the personal barriers
that have prevented them from moving their marriage forward. Ask
yourself: How do you contribute to or contaminate your relationship?
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Face your control issues.
Dr. Phil tells Stacy
that she damages her relationship with Chris because she feels the need
to maintain a "death grip" on her marriage. He observed that her control
issues stem from a need to protect herself so that she doesn't get
hurt. "At times, that goes so far as, 'Get them before they get me,'" he
explains. "Trust in others has so much to do with how much confidence
and trust we have in ourselves." Often this includes letting go of the
need for hypervigilance, and getting real about our fears.
Give yourself credit.We've all had to deal with
those negative inner voices that tell us we're not good enough, we'll
never be loved or we're not entitled to happiness. He advised Stacy to
stop doubting herself, and stay plugged into the positive things she has
achieved in her marriage. Despite everything that she's been through in
her life, Dr. Phil tells Stacy, "You need to give yourself credit for
saying, 'I'm still here.'" Silencing those inner demons requires a
change in your perspective.
Understand your history.Many relationships are
sabotaged when a partner brings in emotional baggage from past
disappointments. In Stacy's case, Dr. Phil discovered that some of her
trust issues stemmed from not having had a good relationship with her
mother. "Everybody has a way of being in the world," he tells Stacy.
"Yours is that you don't trust anybody." Recognize that personal
barriers from the past may keep you from plugging in to your
relationship.
Behave your way to success.
"There's a thin line
between 'fake it 'til you make it,' and behaving your way to success,"
Dr. Phil points out. If you want confidence, you have to take on a
confident posture. This can be as simple as putting more confidence in
your walk and in your demeanor. If your issue is trust, put yourself in
situations where you have to behave in a trusting manner. Real change
comes from within.
What's your approach?
Dr. Phil reminds us that
attitude is all about how you approach things in life. He asks, "Are you
being open-minded? Are you considering the things that you may avoid
out of fear?" He urges Stacy to take a different approach to
communicating with her husband. Instead of yelling at her husband or
testing him, Dr. Phil advises Stacy to give herself and her husband
credit for their commitment to making the relationship work.
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Every one of us has an irrational and destructive emotional side to
our personality. This dark side can sabotage your relationship in an
insidious way.
Below are the most common characteristics and how they can impact a relationship.
You're a Scorekeeper Competing
can quickly turn a relationship into an ugly battle of one-upmanship.
How can you possibly be a winner if it is at the expense of making the
person you supposedly love a loser? Solid relationships are built on
sacrifice and caring, not power and control. Competitiveness can drain
the joy, confidence and productivity out of any relationship.
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You're a Faultfinder There
is nothing wrong with constructive criticism if it is designed to
improve the relationship. But it can often give way to constant
faultfinding — in which you obsess over the flaws and imperfections
rather than find value in your partner. Get off your partner's back and
you may see your partner moving toward you.
You Think It's Your Way or the Highway If
you've always got to be right, then you're ready to fight till the end.
No truer words were ever spoken, says Dr. Phil; you will fight to the
end — the end of your relationship. You can't be self-righteous or
obsessed with control and do what's best for the relationship at the
same time.
You Turn Into an Attack DogWhen
you get in an argument, do you have a killer stare, a harsh tone and
hurtful words? Attack dogs may experience short-term gain, but the
target of the abuse becomes filled with bitterness and resentment. While
it's easy to fall into viciousness, it's much harder to repair the
resulting consequences.
You are a Passive WarmongerInstead
of fault-finding or engaging in character assassination, these toxic
partners try to thwart their partner by constantly doing that which they
deny they are doing — in such an indirect way as to escape
accountability if they are confronted. A passive aggressive person is as
much of an overbearing controller as the most aggressive, in-your-face
person you could imagine — only they do it insidiously and
underhandedly.
You Resort to Smoke and MirrorsBecause
you lack the courage to get real about what is driving the pain and
problems in your relationship, you criticize your partner about one
thing when you're really upset about another. What is real never gets
voiced, and what gets voiced is never real. The real issues will
eventually burst forth in a torrid way.
You Will Not ForgiveWhen
you choose to bear anger at your partner, you trap yourself in pain and
agony — and the negative energy can crowd every other feeling out of
your heart. If you wallow in resentment and refuse to forgive and move
on, you will tear up your own life and your relationship. You can't
change the past but you can deal with the resulting feelings and hurt by
truly forgiving.
You Are the Bottomless PitAre
you so needy that you constantly undermine your chances of success? Can
you never get enough satisfaction, love, attention or appreciation?
Your partner will be frustrated by never seeming able to "fill you up."
We all want reassurance, but an insatiable appetite for it never gives
your partner any rest. Free yourself from the internalized sense of
inadequacy, and find other ways to feel your self-worth and value.
You're Too Comfortable If
you're in a comfort zone, you are failing to meet your responsibilities
in the relationship. You aren't contributing, you aren't stimulating,
and you aren't energizing. If you don't make a move, it becomes easier
and easier to stagnate.
You've Given Up
When so many bad spirits
crowd your life, you cannot imagine there being any way out. You become
so forlorn, lonely, isolated, negative, cynical and far from your core
of consciousness that you believe you are trapped. Be strong enough to
confront your problems instead of giving up.
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